I haven’t had a great memory of my mom when I was a kid.
Even so, I know my mom wasn’t bad at all, she just doesn’t have patience when it comes to rearing a child.
She gives what we need but less of what we want. We got scolded and hit with even slightest mistake. Even when we got hurt from a simple accident, like breaking a glass, we will still get a beating.
Back then I thought if she really care about us. Did she only think that giving us material things will compensate for we really need? Love and affection?
We grew up not showing our feelings. We never get to say ‘I love you’ to our parents because, let’s just say… they lack of emotions when they are rearing us. No kiss and no hug. Think of what we’ve been through as we grow up. But I’m proud to say that I chose the right path to be guided accordingly, a walk with the LORD as I was growing. It was my closeness and prayers keep me sane throughout my growing years.
As I started to have my own family, I promised to myself and hubby, that I wouldn’t be like my mom. I will show my affection to my children. Rear them with love and shower with hugs and kisses and ‘I love you’s’.
Sometimes, I slipped. My patience is shortening and when this happens, I make hubby tell me that something’s wrong. He will remind me to take a breather. Staying at home to take care of my daughter and hubby, taking care of the house, and working at home can really put my patience and strength to keep calm to a test.
Yes, I confess I tend to slipped. I am not perfect. But this time it seems different: my patience is wading, I’m shouting at my little girl which seems to be no reason for me to shout at all! I’m hearing my mom in me!
And I’m not proud of it.
My actions and realization made me snapped, as well as the look at hubby’s eyes as I was shouting at my little girl once more. I shout but I seldom spank her in the rear.
Last night, as I was lying beside my daughter, her trying to get close to sleep so she can sleep, I evaluated what I’ve done. I ask for wisdom, guidance, patience and strength once more. As I pray, realization hits me… I am starting to sound like my mother. Then I cried.
I cried when I turn to my little girl and hugged her and asked her if she’s okay. I asked her for forgiveness.
And you know, what made me cry more? My 4-year-old girl said as I asked for forgiveness, she said: ‘It’s okay, mommy.’ Then hugged me back.
I looked at my little girl. I reared her with all our love and affection.
From the start, from the day she was born, I said to myself… I will not let her grow up with the environment which I’ve gone through. We will show her, shower her the love and affection I didn’t get from my parents. I am rearing her with all our love, all our faith. I know when I lose myself again, hubby and my inner voice will remind me, show me the wrong things I might do.
I am not perfect, but I’m trying to be the best mom I didn’t see from my mother.